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OAR = Obviously Assured Russians

February 26, 2018

So I’ve been thinking about this topic since the start of the Olympics, and it has gotten to a point where I must let the web know how I feel. When I originally heard about the ban on Russian athletes for doping, I was: A, under the impression that Russia would not be allowed to compete AT ALL in these Winter Olympics, and B, in total agreement with this ruling. However, when flipping through the channels one dark and dreary night, I spotted a Russian at one of the Olympic events. Surely they were only spectating?! No, for not only were they competing, but they were winning! As I continued to watch, I was horrified by the performance being put on in front of me, and I grimaced every time one of the announcers commented on the athlete’s “incredible strength”. Well no duh. She is from the Motherland, and she has "trained" very hard for this moment….

Unfortunately, due to a slip of the hand and a gentle kiss with the floor, the shift key on my computer has been about as consistent as J.R Smith in the second half. Because of this, one may find some odd formatting throughout the piece. I just pray Google Docs has as good an autocorrect as Apple…

I am going to keep it short and sweet because my bedtime is rapidly approaching. Why are there Russian athletes in the Olympics? We literally busted the whole country for being in on a PED scandal, and yet not one skating event has escaped the muscular hands of the OARs. I watched the 60 Minutes where Grigory Rodchenkov, the former head of the Russian anti-doping lab, came on and confessed that not only was there widespread cheating, but that plenty of government officials were involved. He pointed out how the Kremlin was trying to ‘silence’ him and that Vladimir Putin had stopped an investigation into his drugging shenanigans just before the Sochi Olympics so that they could “win at any costs”. But that’s not incriminating, right?

In those Olympics, the Russians won the most medals (33) of any country (surprise surprise). Out of the 13 gold medals that came their way, Rodchenkov said five were won by athletes who were doping. They weren’t found out because, according to Rodchenkov, agents from the FSB (Russia’s security agency) went at night to the labs where the athletes’ urine samples were stored and switched them out with clean ones. Again, doesn’t really sound like a crime.

Oh and by the way, Rodchenkov said that plenty of Russian athletes were dirty at the 2012 London Olympics, but that doesn’t really matter, does it? An even more non-suspicious act was when the FSB ordered Rodchenkov to destroy all his files from his time as the head of the lab where he helped countless Russian athletes stick their way onto the podium.

Now, two-thirds of those athletes have been cleared due to “insufficient evidence”, and plenty of new ones have taken over for Mother Russia. Are they clean? #doubtit. Will the IOC do anything about it besides not allowing them to hoist their country’s flag? #notachance.

So, in summary, no one likes Russia and they cheat and they shouldn’t be at the Olympics because of that. If the IOC needs help disciplining these dopers, maybe they should take notes from the Baseball Hall of Fame voters...

 

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